Conflict is most common in human relationships whether they be intimate, business, or sporting. It seems that when two humans are together there is a potential for conflict that may range in intensity from verbal abuse or escalate into physical violence, the latter seemingly becoming more common (or are we just becoming more aware of what has been the fact since mankind evolved). Verbal abuse causes more emotional damage in the long term if it is persistent as it damages the self image more than physical abuse which unless persistant over time results in physical pain that heals but if persistant also damages the self image.  (Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me is simply not true).

There are really only two possible forms of conflict intrapersonal (within an individual) and interpersonal (between individuals). It is the conflict with another individual over which we have more conscious control as it normally involves a reaction to a stimulus and we can become aware of the reaction and learn to respond with new behaviour. Conflict is the result of failed communication between individuals who both believe that their opinion is the only truth and that the outcome they want is the only outcome possible the result being one believes that they have not been heard. It has been stated that 85% of a relationship is communication and that of this between 40 and 80% of that communication is body language. A note of caution about body language some cultures have different meanings for some gestures and some cultures use minimal body language, take care with your interpretation and seek confirmation of it by careful listening to the verbal language. Also note such features as speed of speaking, tone, volume and pitch as these are also important in communication. These are all clues to the emotions involved. The importance of the emotional component of conflict cannot be overlooked as it is emotions that build the smokescreens and produce the confusion leading to the avoidance of the real issues that need to be addressed to restore the relationship. It should be noted that in conflict one person is providing 70% of the fuel to maintain the situation.

CAUSES OF CONFLICT.

1)  Expectations - these are learnt attitudes and beliefs. We spend all of our lives learning firstly from our parents and their close associates progressing to school, books, media and from interpreting everyday events in our lives. We adapt to new situations on a daily basis and it is from these experiences that we develop attitudes (that can be neither good nor bad but just are) and beliefs. Any event that causes us to examine our attitudes and beliefs produces internal conflict. Because we all have developed in different families, places and time we all have different attitudes and expectations to each other and it is not accepting this right in others that produces conflict

2)  Personal needs - needs are both genetically and socially (learnt) determined and can be grouped into recognition, social, security and achievement related with normally one predominating. If one of these needs is not met discomfort and anxiety rises producing a situation conducive to conflict.

3)  Perceptions and interpretations - Whether we are aware of it or not we all try to make sense of the events in our lives. We interpret every event the way we interpret the past and place a frame around it just like a picture. This frame is formed in our childhood and persists unless we examine it and reach the rational decision that it truly belongs in the past and begin to interpret every event with what is really happening now.  In situations of conflict the real problem is that at one level we perceive the event as threatening to us because of a number of automatic fleeting thoughts from the past. These thoughts almost always involve being deprived of our rights as a human being (control over behaviour, decreasing ownership of our personal space or belongings, decreasing value of self, feeling blamed etc.).

4)  It is important to remember that often what is not communicated, all the hidden thoughts and emotions is more important than what has been said, we filter our communications and share only the amount that we feel safe to share. In other words we fear judgement and criticism even if in hindsight we determine the criticism was just.

5)  There are significant different styles of communication between the sexes that further exacerbate the potential for conflict

PREVENTING AND RESOLVING CONFLICT.

Both the prevention and resolution of conflict requires real communication not avoidance of the issues. The first step in resolving conflict is to only deal with the facts. Once these are agreed upon examine the scenario and decide the best possible outcome for you and also decide what is negotiable and the minimum that is acceptable. This will require more than one session; make time to resolve the conflict and if necessary use a mediator or independent person who can be impartial and aid in preventing emotions clouding the issue. In any conflict there is the potential for one or both to feel hurt or deprived.

The only means of overcoming this potential for the feeling of hurt or deprivation (or one perceiving this to be the case) is to actively listen and hear what the real matter of contention is. Once a person has felt heard than a feeling of being understood develops and this gives satisfaction defusing the situation. The other side of the coin is the response which is only appropriate if it is assertive using "I" statements and avoiding the words "you" and "that" which makes a person feel blamed adding insult to injury.

The most important aspects of conflict resolution are

Avoid becoming emotional

Stick only to the facts

Actively listen to the other

Be assertive.

We are all different, learn to accept this difference.

Avoid being judgemental.

Be careful not to be derogatory (what do you know).

Avoid using knowledge to be superior.

Learn communication skills.

Be empathetic (try to see the other person's point of view).

Brainstorm for other possible solutions.

 Good rule of thumb is:

Seek first to understand then be understood.