Whenever humans come into contact there is always the potential for conflict. The conflict can range from verbal to physical depending on the intensity of the emotions involved. For conflict to occur a minimum of one is required but two or more is common and even whole nation can be involved. It seems that today physical violence is becoming more common but in all probability we are just becoming aware of the real facts. Verbal abuse (psychological) is more damaging in the long term as it damages self image more than physical (unless long term and unrelenting) as the body has an incredible ability to heal physically.  (Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me is simply not true but is a common old saying).

Conflict arises when there is a threat either real or perceived by one or both parties. This can range from physical threats of violence to a threat to self worth or image. The threat could be to personal freedom and an attempt is made to defend personal rights. Workplace abuse can be both physical and or psychological and tends to be persistent in nature (termed a workplace culture) with often the abuser not being aware of the abuse being meted out (an expectation for an individual to perform tasks beyond their present capabilities is in fact a form of abuse).

There are only two forms of conflict; intrapersonal (within an individual) and interpersonal (between individuals). Intrapersonal conflict is also termed internal stress and it occurs when attitudes and beliefs are challenged by new evidence requiring a change in those attitudes and beliefs to integrate the new facts. Interpersonal conflict is more overt and we have conscious control over it occurring when communication fails. One or both parties have are being disrespectful in not listening and seeking to understand the problem. Body language forms between 40 and 80% of all communication and if correctly interpreted can betray the underlying emotions. A note of caution some body language in different cultures has different meanings, some use minimal body language and all of the communication must be noted (physical and verbal). Note tone speed volume and pitch as well. The importance of the emotional component to the conflict should not be overlooked as it is the emotions that build the smokescreens leading to avoidance of the real issues. In many conflicts one party provides 70% of the fuel to maintain the conflict.

CAUSES OF CONFLICT.

1. Expectations:

These are learnt attitudes and beliefs. We spend all of our lives learning firstly from our parents and their close associates progressing to school, books, media and from interpreting everyday events in our lives. We adapt to new situations on a daily basis and it is from these experiences that we develop attitudes (that can be neither good nor bad but just are) and beliefs. Any event that causes us to examine our attitudes and beliefs produces internal conflict. Because we all have developed in different families, places and time we all have different attitudes and expectations of each other and it is not accepting this right (to be different) in others that produces conflict

2. Personal needs:

Needs are both genetically and socially (learnt) determined and can be grouped into recognition, social, security and achievement related with one normally predominating. If any of these needs are not met discomfort and anxiety rises producing a situation conducive to conflict.

3. Perceptions and interpretations :

Whether we are aware of it or not we all try to make sense of the events in our lives. We interpret every event the way we interpret the past and place a frame around it just like a picture. This frame is formed in our childhood and persists unless we examine it and reach the rational decision that it truly belongs in the past and begin to interpret every event with what is really happening now. In situations of conflict the real problem is that at one level we perceive the event as threatening to us because of a number of automatic fleeting thoughts from the past. These thoughts almost always involve being deprived of our rights as a human being (control over behaviour, decreasing ownership of our personal space or belongings, decreasing value of self, feeling blamed etc.).

4.Communication

It is important to remember that often what is not communicated, all the hidden thoughts and emotions is more important than what has been said, we filter our communications and share only the amount that we feel safe to share. In other words we fear judgement and criticism even if in hindsight we determine that the criticism was just.

5.Gender

There are significant different styles of communication between the sexes that further exacerbate the potential for conflict

PREVENTING AND RESOLVING CONFLICT.

Both the prevention and resolution of conflict requires real communication not avoidance of the issues. The first step in resolving conflict is to only deal with the facts. Once these are agreed upon examine the scenario and decide the best possible outcome for you and also decide what is negotiable and the minimum that is acceptable. This will require more than one session; make time to resolve the conflict and if necessary use a mediator or independent person who can be impartial and aid in preventing emotions clouding the issue. In any conflict there is the potential for one or both to feel hurt or deprived.

The only means of overcoming this potential for the feeling of hurt or deprivation (or one perceiving this to be the case) is to actively listen and hear what the real matter of contention is. Once a person has felt heard than a feeling of being understood develops and this gives satisfaction defusing the situation. The other side of the coin is the response which is only appropriate if it is assertive using “I” statements and avoiding the words “you” and “that” which makes a person feel blamed adding insult to injury.

The most important aspects of conflict resolution are

Avoid becoming emotional

Stick only to the facts

Actively listen to the other

Be assertive.

We are all different, learn to accept this difference.

Avoid being judgemental.

Be careful not to be derogatory (what do you know).

Avoid using knowledge to be superior.

Learn communication skills.

Be empathetic (try to see the other person’s point of view).

Brainstorm for other possible solutions.

Good rule of thumb is:

Seek first to understand then be understood.